November 29, 2018

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. 

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. 

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' 

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. 

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.' 

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. 

Do you know what the e-mail said? 

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either. 

November 28, 2018

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. 

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. 

True to his word, he made the first contact: 

" Marion ... Marion " 

"Is that you, Bob?" 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed." 

"That's wonderful! What's it like?" 

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. 

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. 

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. 

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" 

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?" 

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona 

November 27, 2018

3 contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing all of them. They are at the pearly gates and Saint Peter say's "This is perfect the gates need repair and I can get three estimates" He asks the first contractor Bubba what it would take to fix the gates. Bubba walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint peter an estimate of $750. 

Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. He walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $1500, and tells him I won't make a dime off this. 

Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. Anthony quickly gives Saint Peter a price of $2750. Saint Peter asks Anthony how he could come up with an estimate of two thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars without even inspecting or measuring the gates. 

Anthony replys, It's easy Saint Peter, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, $750 for Bubba. 

November 23, 2018

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" 

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." 

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." 

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" 

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." 

November 21, 2018 Have a great Thanksgiving!

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" 

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he ouldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." 

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. 

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. 

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." 

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. 

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. 

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

November 20, 2018

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 

The man said, "I do Father." 

The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest. 

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father." 

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" 

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

November 19, 2018

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. 

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. 

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. 

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. 

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." 

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. 

And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." 

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. 

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. 

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. 

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. 

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. 

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery..... 

And Satan created HMOs... 

November 15, 2018

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" 

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." 

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. 

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. 

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." 

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. 

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. 

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

November 14, 2018

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. 

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. 

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. 

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." 

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

November 13, 2018

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. 

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. 

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. 

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward. 

Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff? 

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

November 12, 2018

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. 

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. 

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. 

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward. 

Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff? 

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

November 9, 2018

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. 

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. 

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance. 

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!! 

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." 

November 8, 2018

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The frist step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits. 

Chris came back first and said to the king. " I brought ten apples." 

The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. 

Then John arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therfore he was also killed. 

After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, " Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!" 

Chris replied, " I know, I couldn't help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons!" 

November 7, 2018 Well, thank all gods that election is over.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. 

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. 

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" 

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." 

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. 

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 

"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." 

"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" 

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. 

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" 

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." 

November 6, 2018 What do you think this is?

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?'' 

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.'' 

''No sh*t?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. 

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.''' 

''Keep going!'' 

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. 

She said, ''You now have three wishes.'' 

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! 

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?'' 

''What next?'' begged the bartender. 

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! 

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'' 

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?'' 

November 5, 2018

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost." 

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?" 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself." 

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!" 

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said. 

"Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked. 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?" 

"35." she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies...that's amazing!" 

November 2, 2018

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." 

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" 

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." 

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! 

For her second wish, she! wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she replied......"I'd like a mild heart attack." 

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. 

November 1, 2018

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? 

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" 

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension". 

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" 

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. 

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." 

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. 

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. 

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, &held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered......... 

BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME." 

October 31, 2018

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. 

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" 

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" 

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish." 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." 

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" 

October 30, 2018

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. 

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. 

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" 

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" 

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!" 

October 29, 2018

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost." 

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?" 

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself." 

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!" 

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said. 

"Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked. 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." 

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?" 

"35." she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies...that's amazing!" 

October 26, 2018

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. 

Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. 

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. 

Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to his freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. 

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

October 25, 2018

A woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double! 

So, the woman thinks of a first wish... 

"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...


"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull.

"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.

"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"

October 24, 2018

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. 

The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around." 

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. 

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. 

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

October 23, 2018

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." 

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." 

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" 

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" 

October 22, 2018

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. 

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." 

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" 

"The gentleman was your doctor." 

October 19, 2018

October 18, 2018

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President 

"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London 

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel 

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President 

"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college."
- Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner 

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president 

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach 

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate 

"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible."
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul 

October 17, 2018 Cold, flu, sinus infection, etc. I've been sick for two months. Every once in a while I'll get a day or two of feeling better but it doesn't last.

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" 

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." 

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" 

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. 

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" 

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." 

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" 

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." 

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" 

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining." 

October 16, 2018

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" 

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. 

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." 

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. 

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man." 

October 12, 2018

October 11, 2018 The latest chapter of Protecting David is up and can be seen here.

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle. 

2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name. 

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk! 

October 8, 2018

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen 

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004; Thanks for all the laughs) 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." 
Lynn Lavner 

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." 
Camille Paglia 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." 
Sharon Stone 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." 
Tiger Woods 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." 
Jack Nicholson 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." 
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) 

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 
Robin Williams 

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." 
Billy Crystal 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." 
Robert De Niro 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" 
Dustin Hoffman 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." 
Jerry Seinfeld 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." 
Robin Williams 

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." 
Joan Rivers 

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." 
Steve Martin 

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." 
Emo Phillips 

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." 
Oscar Wilde 

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." 
George Burns 

October 5, 2018

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. 

Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." 

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream. 

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace. 

October 4, 2018

October 3, 2018

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass. 

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again. 

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. 

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling? 

My reality check bounced. 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!! 

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 

Everyone is someone else's weirdo. 

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. 

Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass. 

Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted. 

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust! 

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! 

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 

I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump. 

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich! 

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it! 

How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap

October 2, 2018

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey. 

As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places. 

Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk. 

Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey. 

The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. 

Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned. 

The moral of the story ? 

If you try to please everyone, you may as well............ 

kiss your ass goodbye. 

October 1, 2018 I can't believe it's October already. Oh well, it gives me a chance to post this.

click here 

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. 

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. 

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" 

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" 

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price." 

September 28, 2018

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." 
* Tom Clancy 

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." 
* Steve Martin 

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." 
* Woody Allen 

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday .night." 
* Rodney Dangerfield 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." 
* Lynn Lavner 

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." 
* Matt Barry 

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." 
* Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." 
* George Burns 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." 
* Sharon Stone 

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading." 
* Steve Jobs 

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'" 
*Arnold Schwarzenegger 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." 
* Jack Nicholson 

He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." 
* Barbara Bush 

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 
* Robin Williams 

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." 
* Roseanne 

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." 
* Billy Crystal 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." 
* Robert De Niro 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" 
* Dustin Hoffman 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" 
* Jerry Seinfeld 

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." 
* Rod Stewart 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." 
* Robin Williams 

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts 
*Jeff Foxworthy 

September 27, 2018

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. 

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" 

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." 

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" 

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." 

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" 

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." 

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" 

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." 

September 26, 2018

Is licking someones balls having sex? I think it's just foreplay.

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. 

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN 

6-7 lb. baking chicken 
1 cup melted butter 
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.) 
1 cup uncooked popcorn 
(ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste 
______________________________ 
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. 

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done. 

And you thought I couldn't coo

September 25, 2018

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. 

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP? 

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film. 

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? 

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?! 

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? 

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 

September 24, 2018

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the.... PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly. 

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. 

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. 

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call. 

If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer any way. 

September 21, 2018

September 20, 2018

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. 

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. 

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 

Variation Law:
If you change lanes (traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. 

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. 

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are. 

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's really ugly. 

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet. 

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 

September 19, 2018

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. 

The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side." 

The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face. 

"Wow," exclaims the man, "that is great!" He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, "Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?" 

The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else. 

September 18, 2018

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. 

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the security men money. 

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. 

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. 

September 17, 2018

September 14, 2018

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. 

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." 

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. 

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." 

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. 

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. 

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. 

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

September 13, 2018

Sam and Fred were out golfing, and as they approached the tee for the fifth hole, Sam turned to Fred and said, "Those two ladies on the sixth tee are too slow. Why don't you run up there and ask if we can play through?"
Fred jogged up to the sixth tee, and just before he got there, he turned and ran back to the fifth tee as fast as his legs could carry him! "I can't talk to those ladies! One of them is my wife and the other is my m*stress! You go up and ask them!"
Sam jogged up to the sixth tee, and just before he got there, he turned and ran back as fast as his legs could carry him! As he approached Fred, he exclaimed, "By God, it's a small world, isn't it?"

September 12, 2018

September 11, 2018

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. 

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not. 

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. 

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care. 

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. 

Prejudiced people are all alike. 

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds? 

Evil isn't all bad. 

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity. 

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness. 

There's no such thing as nonexistence. 

Cooperation can only be reached if we work together. 

As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question. 

He doesn't have much of a reputation or so I've heard. 

I disagree with unanimity. 

I have my doubts about disbelief. 

Avoid alliteration...always. 

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 

One should never generalize. 

Avoid cliches like the plague. 

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 

Profanity sucks. 

I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not. 

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 

Death to all fanatics! 

An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. 

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. 

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! 

I always wanted to be a procrastinator! 

Rehab is for quitters! 

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are. 

Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. 

Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever? 

My identity lies in not knowing who I am. 

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. 

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. 

Free advice is worth what you paid for it. 

Entropy just isn't what it used to be. 

I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it. 

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't. 

Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons. 

Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that? 

Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary. 

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else! 

September 10, 2018

Those scamps!

September 6, 2018

If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents (or grandparents)! 

Q. Do female frogs croak? 
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? 
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. 
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. 

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? 
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? 
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? 
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. 

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? 
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? 
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 
A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? 
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? 
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? 
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. 

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing. 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? 
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected. 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? 
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? 
A. Charley Weaver: His feet. 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. 

September 5, 2018

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" 

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. 

"Go get help.", he pleads. 

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." 

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." 

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" 

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

September 4, 2018 I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday.

August 31, 2018

August 30, 2018

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" 

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." 

The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

August 29, 2018

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people". 

"Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response. 

The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one". 

The first Martian says "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!" 

No response. 

With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree. 

The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN"T FUCK WITH A GUY, WHO COULD WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"

August 28, 2018

August 27, 2018

August 24, 2018 Protecting David-Christopher Grows Up 13, is posted here.

August 23, 2018

Multi tasking.

August 22, 2018

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. 

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." 

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. 

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. 

"Who are you?" the man asked. 

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

August 21, 2018

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. 

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." 

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" 

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" 

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

August 20, 2018

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse. 

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts. 

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

August 19, 2018 I just came across this. Amazing performance.

August 17, 2018

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. 

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." 

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" 

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" 

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on y

August 16, 2018

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" 

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." 

"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good. 

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your hairy walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." 

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." 

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

August 15, 2018

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". 

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" 

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night." 

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. 

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. 

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a sh*t first." 

August 14, 2018

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!" 

Then silence. 

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" 

August 13, 2018

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time." 

August 10, 2018

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. 

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess 

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man. 

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?" 

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants." 

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?" 

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

August 9, 2018

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice." So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services." So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."